Recently in Rambles Category

Real quick, y'all. I hate Gretchen.
OOOH, last night was so infuriating!
I wanted to slap her!

UPDATED! After the Jump.

*Clean off my desk at home
*Take the books/clothes/crap to Brown Elephant
*Finish scanning all my family photos and file the originals
*Scan at the newspaper clippings and throw the originals away
*Learn how to use my sewing machine
*Learn to sew
*Make the skirt that Leigh helped me pattern
*Try knitting again
*Go to dance class: ballet, modern, hip hop and/or jazz
*Go to ELIMINATOR
*Find images I like as inspiration for my next tattoo
*Book rental cars in Oahu and Kauai
*Alphabetize the cds
*Sort the DVDs
*Go through my books and give some away
*Pilates
*Pay off our debt
*Clean out the fridge
*Clean out the cabinets
*Simplify
*Get a haircut
*Purge my filing cabinet
*Get the info I need from Mom's mortgage company
*Figure out holiday plans
*Go to New York
*Sort my chest of drawers
*Be honest about things that I need and things I don't use anymore
*Read a bunch of books
*Get a new fall jacket
*Get a nice warm winter hat
*Get rid of all my ripped/ beat up shoes
*Look at snorkeling gear
*Get a gym bag for class
*Stay focused until vacation
*Go on vacation
*Go on vacation
*Go on Vacation!

UPDATE:
*Schedule Parker's surgery
*Schedule dentist appointments for me and Fuzzy

I know you've all be on the edges of your seats wondering what I was going to do with my poor ripped jeans, but FEAR NOT. I am here with an update.

This morning I stopped in at the Old Navy on my way to the train station downtown. While perusing the clearance racks, I noticed that they apparently recently offered a pair of jeans that no one wanted, as there were 2 racks of them and in every size they make. Lucky for me, they are a VERY SIMILAR wash and cut as my old ones with only a few minor differences. It is of note that my other jeans were not Old Navy jeans, so this was quite the find. I tried them on, and they fit like a glove! And only $16! Even better!

So not only do I have an awesome new pair of jeans....

...I'm about to have a really awesome pair of cut-offs!

Dear Male Stand-Up Comedians*,

I love you. I am on your side. I want you to succeed. But lately you've been really frustrating. I know, I know, you've been frustrated, too--I know, I've seen your stand-up routines. You are down on your luck, and as a stand-up, you feel it is your duty to make as much fun of yourself as you can in public, like somehow it will justify your misery. But I am here to tell you that there is an ever-growing list of things I never need to hear you talk about again in your routine:

*How homely you are.
*How much of a loser you are.
*How much you love to drink.
*How you might be an alcoholic.
*How poor you are.
*How horny you are.
*How much you love to have sex.
*Anything about ejaculate.

Yeah, sure, it is what is on your mind, so you want to talk about it. But also know that 3 other guys going up the same night as you are also going to be talking about the exact same thing, and it gets really old. And really, I just don't care. We all have been poor, we all have been horny, but we suck it up and deal with it. Also, when you come on stage feeling like a loser, you bring the audience down to your energy, and we all wallow in our self misery and unsatisfaction together. Sounds like a fun night, huh? Yeah, it's not, and in fact, I often get really tired and wish the show was over when this is your chosen performance method.

I, personally, would much prefer that you choose a smarter route. Find other things to muse about than sex. Sex is too easy. Be creative. Challenge us. Make us like you. Make us root for you. Have more confidence in yourself. Pick up the energy. And maybe, before getting up on stage, take a shower and put on a nice shirt.

I'm not asking you to change who you are as a person. I just want you to see how great you could be.

Your fan,
Erica

*This is not for ALL male stand-up comedians. Just a majority of them.

The Muddy Buddy is this Sunday! I am both extremely nervous and extremely excited. I have no doubt that it will be a tough race, but once I am in it I know that I will commit 100% and it won't be so bad. It is the unknown of it that is wigging me out. For those who don't know, it is a 6ish mile race where you ride a bike for half of it, and run half of it, with obstacles in between. It finishes in a giant mud pit.

To properly train, I've been amping up my workouts. Lots of arm strength exercises (pushups, weights, resistance tubes, boxing), I started running again (I hadn't really since the Bastille Day 5K), and the other day I rode Fuzzy's mountain bike for the first time (we are going to bike more tomorrow, so I can get more comfortable on it.)

Last week, I went with my friend Claire to her personal trainer. I had never been to a personal trainer before, so I was scared. Claire assured me that it wouldn't be hard, but instead it would be a lot of fun. I wasn't so sure, but I was ready for the challenge.

Uh, yeah. Sprints, planks, hurtles, sprints, burpees, pushups, sprints, lunges, planks, hops, pull ups, leg throwing leg exercises. It was HARD. But it was awesome. I can definitely see the benefit of having a trainer--I did WAY more than I ever thought that I could, and it really helped having someone say "ok, Erica, only 2 more!" and things like that. It was the hardest I've ever worked out. I feel like I rocked some things, and bit it on others, but I did the best I could, and I am proud of that. Sometimes I could barely catch my breath, but I never gave up. The ab work was my strongest segment, and we ended on that, so I left feeling like a badass. The rest of the night, I was jelly, however. And adorably, Fuzzy and I bought each other the exact same dinner that night (Delicious Gaztro Wagon. So dangerous...so close to our apartment.)

Friday I woke up not too sore and I was like "I'M KING OF THE WORLD!" I was all proud of myself and feeling good. I bragged to Claire that I was proud of myself for having it not kick my ass.

And then Saturday came along.

And I could barely move.

Oh, how waking up was difficult. Oh how walking was difficult. Oh how lifting my arms was difficult. Oh how I HAVE BOXING AT 11AM ON SATURDAYS.

Oy.

The following things were against me. 1) I couldn't move a single muscle in my body. 2) There were only 2 other people in class, so I had nowhere to hide. 3) The other 2 guys are both amateur boxers.

Fortunately, my teacher (not the sub) likes me and we have a great rapport. I told him about my training session and he told me to listen to my body and what I needed to do, but that he was going to try to push me and the 2 dudes as much as he could. He also decided that the first half of the class was going to be on the clock: 2 minutes shadow boxing, 1 minute off (3 times), 2 minutes heavy bags, 1 minute off (3 times), 2 minutes jump roping, 1 minute off (3 times.) No breaks. Oh my God. Then it was defense drills with the amateur boxers and they weren't hurting, so they were going all out, so therefore I had to, too, or I was going to again be punched in the face. Then we went back to back to back passing around a GIANT medicine ball using only our upper bodies. I did a really great job of sweating all over the ball and then dropping it. Real nice. The walk home took all my remaining energy away, so all I could do the rest of the day was sleep and drink beer. I mean, it was ALL I COULD DO. Well, I guess later, we went for a walk, I switched to vodka cranberries and Fuzzy made the most amazing fried chicken I have ever eaten in my life, so it wasn't all terrible.

Speaking of sweat, I am sweating more now than ever before. My hands are sweating, my legs are pouring, I am changing clothes a couple times a day and carrying towels with me daily. In boxing, I develop a nice puddle on the mat everywhere I go. I'm like the Pigpen of sweat. It's ok, though, I am used to it. Just a part of what makes me so special, right?

I've been on 2 runs this week, and they were a lot easier than I expected, so I feel like I am in good shape for Sunday. I will be doing the harder run part of the race, and Fuzzy is taking the harder bike part. Working out and eating healthy organic veggies is making me feel so much better mentally and physically, but I have to say--this week it was a really nice surprise to put on a skirt that was tight since I bought it and have it fit perfectly. Not to be a big giant cliche here, too, but I also tried on my skinny jeans that I had grown out of, and I am happy to say that those fit again, too. Since I am approaching my 2 week bikini vacation, that is a real nice feeling.

Real nice.

I have a lot to celebrate this July 4th.

I realized last week just how depressed I've been over the last several years. And now much better I am feeling now.

It is so hard to really see depression when you are in it--it just becomes a reality. I knew that I was sad, I knew that things were really different in me and I had changed a lot, but those things were my normal.

I stopped performing.
I stopped hanging out with my friends.
I stopped thinking there was anything to ever look forward to.
I stopped thinking that I was worth anything.

All I was seeing was disease, death, illness, disappointment, and I thought that even when things are going well on the surface they are actually falling apart and miserable so there was no reason to ever get excited.

I am happy to say that I no longer feel this way. And I can look back and see how bad things were.

It's been a process. Therapy has been tremendous help for me, as has been acupuncture and now exercise. I LIKE to feel good, and exercise is giving me that feeling of pushing myself and achieving things I never thought possible. Therapy has given me a place to say the things I've been scared to say and a way to look at myself and things and really PROCESS everything that has happened and is happening in my life. Acupuncture has gotten to a deeper part in my mind and body that I am not always able to reach.

There have also been a number of things that have happened of late that have contributed to this lift in mood--certainly moving mom into her apartment has been a huge factor in that she is able to truly rebuild her life now, and the talks that we had about our relationship and my life have helped too--I feel so much less burdened now that I am not dealing with a crisis 5 times a day. I am happy that she is happy and I am able to focus on my life instead of someone else's. I hope she continues to heal and to thrive, but if something happens and she takes another turn, I can't fall in after her--I have to keep my life going and keep my distance; it's the only way to keep my life going, and I can only hope that that is what Mom and Dad would want--for me to have my own life that makes me happy.

That's just it. My life is my life now. I am not living for anyone else. I am not making decisions for anyone else. I am not responsible for anyone else. Just me. I can't make anyone else happy. I can make myself happy. And I have every right to be happy. That is exactly what I am doing now, and it feels GOOD. I can just be me and spend time with my husband and not care what anyone else wants me to do or thinks I should be doing. This is my time, dammit.

My therapist asked me yesterday if, being out of my depression, I am feeling more like I used to feel, or if this is an all new thing for me. I thought about it, and determined that this is brand new. The first time I've felt this way. In school I was always so stressed. When I moved to Chicago, I had some mental wellness issues that took a while to conquer (and hell, I might never have gotten over), plus I was going out a lot, looking for love, working my ass off for shows and to pay the bills. It was fun, but pretty reckless. Plus, I was still a kid! Flying home a lot, depending on my parents, not knowing what it was truly like to be an adult. When Dad's cancer was diagnosed, I was 25, and that caused me to grow up fast, but also was the start of the depression. Now, I am 31, madly in love and in a wonderful marriage to an utterly incredible man who is my best friend in the whole world, have a great job, amazing friends, and am able to stand on my own two feet. I can make my own decisions, I don't have to answer to anyone. It is a new sensation, and I like it. No, I love it. I keep going back to that phrase--I am an adult--a lot lately, and it means a lot to me.

I can honestly say I've never felt better.

I've been finding my happiness creeping back in. I've been smiling a LOT lately, sometimes for no reason at all. I've not felt completely inadequate in conversations with people I don't know. I've been listening to myself and expressing my opinions without feeling the need to justify or apologize for it. Listening to myself and following my heart and doing what I feel inclined to do, and not doing things out of obligation. Listening to myself and what I need. And last week, finally seeing just how badly things have been, and celebrating how good things are now.

So this Independence Day, I am celebrating my freedom from depression. I am better than ever. I know how blessed I am. It's taken a long time and some shitty things to get here, but I know that God was watching out for me, and I am so grateful to Him for leading me to enlightenment. I don't know where the road is going to lead me next, but I'm excited to find out. It is true that everything in your life makes you stronger and makes you more be the person that you were meant to be.

I know now that I AM worth something.
I DO have a lot to offer the world.
I AM special.

This July 4th, I hope that each of you are able to celebrate your Independence from something that's been holding you back as well.

xo

I am at work right now waiting for the mail to come so I can leave and start my holiday weekend. So far, the working alone thing has been good--I have gotten a lot done around the office and have managed my time wisely and found ways to occupy myself. So far so good.

However, I just got out of my chair, got on the floor, and did 3 pushups.

I am not wearing athletic gear today. I didn't even bring any. I did the Shred level 2 yesterday so I am really sore today.

And so I just did 3 pushups. For no reason. And when I realized that it was hard, I got up and sat back down.

I knew I should have brought Parker to work today!

Speaking of, my husbeen went to a Cubs game this week, and these photos just showed up in his Flickr:

WHAT?!
I had no idea our cats were such fans!

Also, Hot or Not?