I will eventually get around to posting photos here, but I am putting them over on our Kickstarter page first. Please enjoy photos of the Modet Dance Collective half of Collected and Conscious, opening night, June 12, 2015. Photos by the incredible Greg Inda.
This keeps happening. Here is the newest:
First of all, the dance show was a huge success and a total emotional purge session. We sold out all 3 nights, and presented ART. It is the most important show I have ever done, and I could not be more proud of it.
More to come on that soon.
But right now, I want to just write some things. This year has been HARD. And I have been having a really hard time. I've been dealing with some pretty scary depression of late, and for months I have been telling everyone that they are never going to hear from me again after July. This is mostly true--I really want to disappear and not be responsible for anything (shows, anyone's health, the fact that everyone in my home state is constantly questioning all of my actions and how I choose to care for my mother). I don't know how to talk to anyone, I have pulled away from almost all of my friends, and I am fighting with everybody. I just had the show that I am most proud of in my life, and I instantly the next day, felt like a failure and embarrassed to exist. My thoughts are scary and although I know they are false, I can't stop them. Also, I only want to have fun. I have forgotten how to have it. So it is time for me to disappear for a while and work on rebuilding.
Today was a tragic day in America. A white supremacist took the lives of 9 humans who were praying in church--the place where my whole life I have believed to be the safest place you could go. And it made me again want to hide from life. Everything is hard, and everything is sad. And here I am, trying to promote my dumb drinking show that is going to be a part of a festival tomorrow. I was ashamed.
Tonight, Fuzzy and I decided that we wanted Chinese food for dinner. On the way to pick up the order, I was thinking about how my life was unimportant and how I will be doing everyone a favor when I disappear. I'm always dragged down by how I am letting people down always and how I am unable to benefit anyone anymore. I thought about how nothing I do is worth anything.
I saw all these people on the street, living their own little lives, loving the people they love and going the places they are going.
And then, I got to the restaurant. And I was the only one there. And I thought about how I bet they were really happy that I ordered from there tonight, and that I helped keep their business going. And then I thought about the show I am planning to see later tonight, that I was thinking about not going to see cause who cares if I am there or not, and I remembered how much it meant to me that the friends who came to see my show last weekend came to see it. It meant the world to me. So I thought, yes, I will go see that show tonight, because even one person at a show can make a difference.
And it all became almost a little bit too much for me.
That is where I am right now. Overwhelmed, and everything is a little too much. But I feel a little less worthless. We can't do it all, which I feel like I have to do all the time, but I don't have to. I can just show up and be.
We are all just doing the best we can.
And dinner was delicious.
Collected and Conscious opens tonight!! And let me tell you, it is amazing. I have never been more proud of a show or a project in my life.
You can read all about it and see photos from this week on our Kickstarter page here.
THANK YOU to everyone for all of your love and support. This show is going to be something. Hope to see you there.
Modet Dance Collective
Teach Me Equals
Photo by Greg Inda
AHH! The show is this week! And it is going to be AMAZING. We had our last rehearsal before tech Sunday night, and it was full of laughter and happy tears. We have really put something special together in this show, and I think it is some of the best and most important work I have ever done.
Tickets are selling! Get yours HERE.
Collected and Conscious
Friday June 12-Sunday June 14