Thinking back to 2 years ago....Christopher and I were moving mom from her unsafe place into Merrell Gardens, which was new and clean and cared for and provided food and daily wellness checks for their residents. It was expensive, but worth it to know that mom would be safe and have access to food. We had been in the trenches with cleaning out the old place and purging all the furniture and protecting ourselves and the new apartment from bedbugs, and we were exhausted. I decided to go home for a few days to rest and recouperate and because I had tickets to see Andrew Bird and Iron and Wine at the Salt Shed on 8/12. So on the 11th, I hosted a call in the afternoon for my doula community at Going with Grace, decided to not go to the old apartment, and went to say goodbye to mom. She was in the cafeteria eating--surprisingly she was too full for cake (for CAKE!) and so we just sat and chatted a bit. After years and years of protecting myself from her dependence and neediness and constant need for care, I had a bit of a wall up and was keeping emotionally and physically distant from her this night. I just wanted to say goodbye and go. After the same amount of years of ignoring everything that we did to help and support and protect her, she reached out to hold my hand, and thanked me for not shutting her out of my life. She said that so many of her friends' kids had cut off communication with them, and she was so thankful that we were still talking to her and helping her out. I shrugged it off and said something like "well, hopefully now you'll understand that we have your best interests and safety in mind and we aren't 'out to get you'." The truth is that earlier that year, I HAD contemplated cutting off contact with her. She was so emotionally and verbally abusive to me that it was too much and I reached my breaking point. Christopher understood and said he would support whatever I decided as long as I supported HIM with her care. That support and acknowledgement meant the world to me--I'm so blessed to have the relationship with my brother that I have--and it helped me to decide that I would NOT cut her out. But I would be cautious and only talk (which was actually text--talking was hard for her) to her with Christopher on the text chain as well--someone to bear witness and also be a buffer. So when mom thanked me to still being in her life, I sort of shrugged it off. I walked her to the elevator, where she hugged me to tightly it hurt, I took a couple pics of her, and said goodbye.
The next morning, I was back in Chicago. I went to the concert, slept a lot, took a lot of photos of my cats (my camera roll is 96% cats from that weekend) and made a plan to go back down the following weekend to finish up the move.
Monday morning, August 15, Christopher and I shot the shit via text as we usually do. But that afternoon he called and said "hey, I'm heading up to Merrell Gardens--mom didn't do her wellness check today." If residents don't push a button in their apartment by a certain time, they get a wellness check. Mom hadn't checked in, nor had she gone to breakfast, so they went into her room, found her unconscious, and called Christopher and the paramedics. So when he called me, I had a feeling that she was dead. "Ok" I said "call me back in a minute." 10 minutes later, he called again. C--"Hey-how's it going?" Me--"What's going on?" C, with shock and disbelief in his voice--"Mom DIED." I took a moment and said "ok." He filled me in on what the paramedics said, I told him I would see him the next day, and then I went to tell Fuzzy. I was in so much shock, I was only able to text a few friend groups (and a couple of these beloved friends came over to be with me--I am so so grateful.)
I wasn't surprised. I cried. I was relieved. I was in shock. I tried to eat and then pack, and the next day I headed back to SC to finish the work and say goodbye to mom for real.
