First of all, the dance show was a huge success and a total emotional purge session. We sold out all 3 nights, and presented ART. It is the most important show I have ever done, and I could not be more proud of it.
More to come on that soon.
But right now, I want to just write some things. This year has been HARD. And I have been having a really hard time. I've been dealing with some pretty scary depression of late, and for months I have been telling everyone that they are never going to hear from me again after July. This is mostly true--I really want to disappear and not be responsible for anything (shows, anyone's health, the fact that everyone in my home state is constantly questioning all of my actions and how I choose to care for my mother). I don't know how to talk to anyone, I have pulled away from almost all of my friends, and I am fighting with everybody. I just had the show that I am most proud of in my life, and I instantly the next day, felt like a failure and embarrassed to exist. My thoughts are scary and although I know they are false, I can't stop them. Also, I only want to have fun. I have forgotten how to have it. So it is time for me to disappear for a while and work on rebuilding.
Today was a tragic day in America. A white supremacist took the lives of 9 humans who were praying in church--the place where my whole life I have believed to be the safest place you could go. And it made me again want to hide from life. Everything is hard, and everything is sad. And here I am, trying to promote my dumb drinking show that is going to be a part of a festival tomorrow. I was ashamed.
Tonight, Fuzzy and I decided that we wanted Chinese food for dinner. On the way to pick up the order, I was thinking about how my life was unimportant and how I will be doing everyone a favor when I disappear. I'm always dragged down by how I am letting people down always and how I am unable to benefit anyone anymore. I thought about how nothing I do is worth anything.
I saw all these people on the street, living their own little lives, loving the people they love and going the places they are going.
And then, I got to the restaurant. And I was the only one there. And I thought about how I bet they were really happy that I ordered from there tonight, and that I helped keep their business going. And then I thought about the show I am planning to see later tonight, that I was thinking about not going to see cause who cares if I am there or not, and I remembered how much it meant to me that the friends who came to see my show last weekend came to see it. It meant the world to me. So I thought, yes, I will go see that show tonight, because even one person at a show can make a difference.
And it all became almost a little bit too much for me.
That is where I am right now. Overwhelmed, and everything is a little too much. But I feel a little less worthless. We can't do it all, which I feel like I have to do all the time, but I don't have to. I can just show up and be.
We are all just doing the best we can.
And dinner was delicious.