So I decided to take July and shut down from the world and everyone and everything and focus on healing, rebuilding, and figuring out what's next. I have not been as successful with being unconnected as I had hoped--I am still reading emails and texts and tweeting, though I've been lax at replying to emails and texts and reading tweets, which is good. I've gotten back into therapy, I've been to church a couple of times, and I am starting to move my body again--with a fitness class and hopefully yoga to calm the mind and enhance the body (I've been once--with hope to do more.) I've had oodles of fun--Fuzzy and I have been having a ball doing all sorts of fun adventures, and that has been amazing. I've seen amazing shows and laughed a lot. The summer has finally gotten hot and I've been outside a bit more, which makes a difference. So things are good and better than they have been, but yet, I still feel lost and confused and worthless and afraid.
I feel like this is an important transition in my life. I am on the edge of doing something great, and the precipice of major change.
But what? I have no idea.
Is this a mid-life crisis? Perhaps, though I get into this same place every few years. I get weary of the lifestyle that I have so far lived--taking on too many projects, giving all of my time to other people and a million commitments. Getting trapped in that "busy" that I hate, and when I reach my breaking point, I stop everything and ask what's next. I heal for a bit, and then do the exact same thing again. This is the roller coaster. But I don't like it any more. I want to try to be mindful moving forward of things that I know that I need--downtime at night, time with my husband, not a crazy schedule, but I also need work and to make money and all that. I completed a major artistic acheivement with my dance show, and feel like maybe I should be writing the things I want to write and creating some sort of brilliant piece of art or something that will help other people, but I don't know what or how. I'll be the first person to tell others to take risks and get out of their comfort zones, and I used to practice what I preach, but now I just feel stuck. And I don't know how to move forward or what to do or how to function.
Lately I've seen all sorts of inspirational things--Ballet 422, Chefs Table, the Taylor Swift concert--all things featuring amazing hard working incredibly driven individuals who are creating art and beauty and empowerment and changing the world for the better. These things make me want to move, to do things, to push myself to the limit, while also making me think that I just pale in comparison to these people and what important thing do I have to say?
But what am I good at? Well, I am a good listener, and a good producer, and I know that I can deliver a wedding and deliver a show, but am I the best at what I do? No way.
I feel like I need to do something TOTALLY different to mix it up. To work on a farm. To do something away from a computer and away from customer service and away from administration. There are so many terrible things in the world--I feel obligated to help others to do something that makes a difference, but I don't have those skills or even know what to do. I often talk of getting rid of everything, going off the grid, and living in the woods. (With Fuzzy, of course.) I like change, and I don't like feeling stuck in a cycle of accept work, get sick, have meltdown, quit all work, wash rinse repeat.
But yet, here I am. Home, on the computer. Procrastinating on the actual work that I need to do. Stuck.
But also yet, maybe being conscious of this is half the battle. I am so trying to be nice to myself this month and really allow myself to relax--something that I honestly think I have never been able to truly do in all 36 years of my life.
The sun just came out. I am going to go out there.