Hi Friends....
What a couple of weeks it has been. How are you all doing? Things have been kinda rough here, but they are looking up. First of all, the NY Trip and my work event was a huge success. It was really nice meeting all the Board members I email and talk to all the time and put faces to voices. There were lots of hugs. It especially tickled me knowing what a shocker it must have been to them that I do not have long brown hair (which is what one person told me she thought I had) but instead super super short blond hair and giant tattoos. HA! Take THAT! I am who I am. The event went really well, but it was all kinds of hard work, but I got to spend the next day in Brookyn with my homey Erica, which was awesome. I watched her teach theatre to 3rd, 4th, and 5th graders, then we picked up Ariel and ate at an adorable place called Pies and Thighs. Ahhh, I miss my beloved South. The rest of the night we just laid around a watched tv--it was the perfect way to decompress (and recover from a wicked hangover.)
A couple days later was the big ole birthday. It was a hard one, I have to admit, and it kind of blind sided me. I've been suffering a lot from low self esteem lately, and I felt really dumb getting any kind of attention on my birthday, but yet I wanted it to be special. Yeah, I don't know either. What it resulted in was lots of tears for 2 days. Poor Fuzzy! He was so sweet and did so much for me, but I was just a blubbery mess. I don't know--I've just been really angry lately--angry at how things have been going, angry at not knowing what I want to do or who I am, angry that I've had practially had the same conversation with Mom every time I talk to her for 2 years, angry at McDonalds for making such crap food that makes people feel like shit, angry that Dad is dead, just ANGRY. And on top of that, feeling like no one should want to talk to me or be my friend. We've been a lot more social these days, which is a HUGE step, cause usually I don't want to leave the house, but these days when I go and have a fun time, I come home feeling really dumb and like I made an ass of myself, even when I know that I didn't. I finally put it in words the other day, "I am suffering from low self esteem right now" and Fuzzy was like "yeah, this is nothing new." It was a shock to hear, but also a wake up call--all my anxiety that I've been suffering from is a part of it, too. The fear that I have about going to parties is directly related to me feeling insecure about what I would say to anyone and how I would handle myself in a social situation. Thank goodness I am still going to therapy and I can work through it. Now I know what I need to work on, you know? Anyway, I was blown away by the sweetness of all my friends--I had the office surprise, lots of sweet emails and cards, I had flowers delivered to my office--all AMAZING things! Thanks everyone! The night of my bday, Fuzzy, me, Hanson, Kate and Dan and I went to the Brauhaus and drank a 2 liter glass boot of beer:
(pay no attention to that giant honking right arm)
This week has been better--we've had lots of fun and I've been exercising really hard and am working on a few choreography projects that are fun. This upcoming weekend I plan to cook a lot, clean the shit out of my house, and run a 5K on Sunday morning.
In WONDERFUL HAPPY AND EXCITING NEWS, MOM GOT THE APARTMENT! What a relief! Our prayers have been answered! Christopher and I are going down in a few weeks for the move, to put stuff in storage, divvy up Dad's albums, sell some stuff, and get the house on the market. I also plan on bringing a lot of stuff to Chicago (uh oh, where am I going to put it?) and bring up some more photos for scanning--there are just so many! But those family photos are so precious to me now. This will make life better for all of us--Mom will have the care she needs and a smaller place so she won't have to worry about keeping this giant house clean and lawn maintenance or anything. Once the house sells, too, it will be a giant relief financially. It is a cute house, too--any of you Vicksburgers looking to buy? The big challenge is going to be finding homes for those 4 cats and 2 dogs, too. Again, if you are a reader and live in the South, please consider helping us out by taking one in. They are all super sweet little guys that need a good home.
More updates to follow on selling things and that process, so stay tuned.
Speaking of tattoos, I still want some. I have 2 in mind that I want to get, but now I am obsessing about something really colorful and girly on my left forearm so I can always see it. Its been so cold again lately, that my poor birds are all covered up. We were at a restaurant last night where all the servers had awesome arm tattoos and I was all like 'I have cool tattoos too!' and wanted to have something that would be visable even in the winter. Funny that shrimpy shy little me would want big colorful tattoos, but I do, and I feel like it a beautiful outward expression of the inside me.
I hope everyone has a great weekend! Thanks for reading.
For your health.
