All I want to do is wallow on my couch for a little while. Like a week.
But yet, I am blogging, which is a very outward expression of innermost feelings.
SO WHICH IS IT?!
I think that I must belong on some other planet that is not Earth. Or maybe I need to live in the woods. Strike that, I am afraid of the woods at night. Maybe I need to go live on the beach. In Hawaii.
Now that mom is moved and the house is empty, I get to focus on me and my life and who I am what I want to do. ONE PROBLEM! I have no idea what that is and who I am. I know that I am going to start dancing again next week, and I really really want to start boxing (I have lots of anger and aggression, go figure) and get more tattoos and maybe a new haircut, but that isn't like my heart and soul, you know? It is just stuff to do. I can only hope that I find my heart and soul while I dance and box and get tattoos and haircuts.
My life has been all crisis prevention over the years that it is a weird adjustment out of it. My phone never stopped ringing for years and I hated it and every phone call was about dad's cancer or that mom was in the hospital again or a panicked call from mom asking us to help her. I've learned to shut off all of my emotions over the years so that I can get through each day and not go lie in a ditch. It might have made me a little cold hearted, but it is the only way that I could deal with having lost my dad and essentially my mom in such a short amount of time. I've learned how to be a parent taking care of sick children, only these children were my parents. I've been dealing with it on my own over the years, and now that mom is in a better environment for her to start taking better care of herself, and getting the care that she needs and essentially our work is done, I kind of just feel lost. What do I do now?
When I got home last night, Fuzzy was gone and the phone wasn't ringing and for a minute I didn't know what to do. I took a deep breath and focused on myself, and started unpacking some boxes. Downtime is good. Rest is good. Unpacking and cleaning is good. I know it will get better. I just have to train myself to let things be good again.
This trip and all my recent trips home have made me really see things differently. My relationship with things is a lot different. Sure, I want to go shopping along with everyone else, but why? I have everything I need, and my self worth is not caught up in how much stuff I own, or my collections. Also, as we age, our love of things changes, and it is a GOOD thing to purge the past from time to time. For example, I used to love my PEZ collection. It was a great source of pride for me, and I loved collecting and talking about it. Now, it just takes up space in my living room. So should I hang onto it just cause I used to collect? I dont think so. I can hang onto a couple of them, for memories, but even still, I don't need to do that. My parents were both packrats--stock piling gifts and things but never getting rid of anything. That house was packed, and they were only there about 12 years or so. EEK! It was bad. It felt good to purge that house, now it is time to do mine. The less stuff we have, the more free we are--isn't that what the Clooney character talked about in "Up in the Air"?
I'm also saying a lot of goodbyes to the past right now. I am sorting through Christophers and my entire elementary, Jr High and High school careers that were packed up in boxes. Some of it is emotional, but a lot of it is just junk bogging us down.
All of this overwhelms me, but I guess that is to be expected. I am walking this fine line between "Hey! We are all doing great! Mom is doing well in her new place that is directly associated with the care that she needs! The house is out of our hands! Time to get back to normal!" and "Wait a minute, this is really hard. I am pissed at how things have turned out and that mom is sick and I need time to process it and be angry and be sad and mourn and cry and take a freaking break from stress." The challenge is find the balance, I guess.
When I started writing this, I felt really off kilter and crazy, thus the title, but now that I am getting some of it out, I feel like I'm not actually crazy, but pretty right on.