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So in my post earlier tonight, I said that I had no new updates. After I posted that, I did some more thinking, and on my way to class I had a realization.This whole time that I've been pulling back from doing shows, choreographing and producing, I've been having a hard time letting it go. I've not wanted to work on anything, but in the back of my head and heart I've been feeling like I've been letting myself down or that maybe it'll come back. That I didn't want to miss out on something or I didn't want to be left behind. Theatre/performing was my identity and my self and my person and how could I let that go? So tonight I was thinking about how I shouldn't have volunteered to do something for Apes*, cause that is just going to lock me down into it and I wonder what it would be like if I didn't go to Apes at all this season and what if I didn't even work on shows anymore at all?

What if I didn't even work on shows anymore? Or need to be a part of any shows? I could still see Fuzzy perform and my friends when they have shows, but I don't need to be a part of a run or have my own performance projects. I could just let it all go and have something else that is my passion instead.

This thought was exciting.

And then I knew that I am ok leaving the theatre world.

Wow. This is a huge step for me. Being ok with it. It feels good.

Tonight before class, I saw a friend of mine that works at the studio** and he asked where I had been and what shows I was working on. Poor guy, he had no idea he was about to open a can of worms. I told him that I didn't really want to do it anymore, that I've had so many things happen in the last several years that shows just aren't a priority and I've been in Chicago for 10 years working solid and that I've been performing since I was 4 and that as of today I realized I don't want to do it anymore and I am ok with that. He asked what I was going to do instead, and I said "I have no idea!"

I talked to my brother tonight, and he mentioned that it makes sense that this revelation is happening now. We've just sort of closed a major chapter of our lives with moving Mom and getting her where she needs to be. We've been tied up with so much sickness for 6 years, and now that things are looking up (they are in by no means over) we are able to process things, and we are therefore making major changes. Taking care of ourselves for the first time in ages. We talked about letting the past go, saying goodbye to our old selves and things, cause we are not our things, our things and pasts made us the awesome people that we are now! Comedy/Theatre/Dance/Choreography/Producing was good to me and having that in my life makes me strong and interesting and quirky. Also, I just had that 10 year anniversary of being in Chicago, and when I moved here, I said I was only going to live in Chicago for 10 years. Well, we aren't moving (and that is good), but I've done so many shows and worked with so many amazing people and have the most amazing friends because of it, and I have incredible memories--I really feel like I am done with it. I don't need anything else from it. So maybe my moving from Chicago is just a metaphorical move instead of a physical one. Goodbye Theatre and Comedy! I love you and we will always be friends, I just can't be a part of your life anymore.

How bout that? Pretty huge for me. I am now officially ready to move forward into the future. I am open to where my life takes me. I am ready for the next phase.

*I love all things Blewt! and the people and the shows. I will always be a collaborator, supporter and involved in Blewt in some way or another, I know that.
**I took his class a couple of times, but started taking hip hop*** instead, but now we talk every time we see each other. Super nice guy.
***My regular hip hop teacher was out tonight, and he had a sub. The teacher was awesome and the moves were hard hitting. It was great. Great Class. I love it.

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With all the worldly wisdom that it is in this post, maybe your next thing should be to write a book! Go girl!