Living in the Sad

It's been a tough week without Parker. I am trying to adjust to life without her, and it is harder than anticipated. I keep trying to be ok, too, but instead, I just feel off. Weird. Sad. Everyone is being so supportive and great and keeps reminding me that it is ok to grieve and be sad. It is a big loss. But I can't help but feel sort of dumb about it. There are so many actual things in the world to be sad about. Parker lived a great and happy life, and with her, I did, too. So I should be celebrating the years that we were able to share. But yet, I am just sad. I am also working harder than I ever have and am busier than I have ever been, so there is a lot to juggle and think about constantly. My mind is almost never still. I am sore and worn out all the time, even when I get sleep. I am still accomplishing everything I am committed too, which I am super proud of, but I don't have much energy for anything else.

I slept very poorly last night, and when I woke up, I was just feeling icky. Fuzzy reminded me that it was ok to be sad. Today Latte is going in for a check-up (she got a bladder infection last week, and also, since she is 19 years old, I want to keep her around as long as we can) and the thought of going to the vet made me sort of panic. We drove past the vet on Saturday, and I felt sick to my stomach.  Fuzzy offered to go without me, so I don't have to be in the room that Parker died in so soon. I appreciate that. I need to just tell myself that if I have to cry everyday, that is ok. And I can cry everyday if I need to. Sadness is a part of life and if I don't let myself be sad, I won't get any better. So I will function through the sad, and be ok in it. It's part of the process of life.