I decided this week that I am not going to be so hard on myself. I was sitting on the couch the other day, tearing myself up mentally for not being a night person (what a lame thing to be upset about), for not having the drive to do the things on my to-do list, for having a little too much to drink a few times in the last few weeks, for being a bad friend, for having crap/ clutter all over my apartment, when suddenly, I just thought--whoa, whoa, whoa! Ease up! I guess I just got a little overwhelmed with everything going on, but then I remembered my new philosophy of "Don't be stressed!" I am really trying to not be stressed. It comes and goes.
Also, I realize that it is ok to sort of just...be. I don't HAVE to be amazing right now. I don't HAVE to have a plan. This month is a hard one, with the Dad anniversary a few weeks ago and Christopher's departure in just a few short days (Dec 28th.) So it is ok to grieve right now, and its ok to be struggling. Soon, I'll have my shit back together. And until then, I'll just get through everything the best that I can. All is well.
I had a knee appointment this week, and it went better than I expected it to go. I've been in a LOT of pain lately, so I was convinced that he was going to tell me that I could never dance again (something I have heard before, but that clearly didn't stop me) and that I would be destined to a life of pain. Well, that last part might be true, but it's ok! I have my last PT appointment on Monday, a really intense home program, and the doc told me to start spinning 3 times a week for an hour, doing pilates, and swimming. Eventually, I can add 1 run a week in. NOT BAD! Also, I now have a supa-fly phat-ass knee brace with metal hinges and all sorts of things to it. It is fairly small, but very stable, so I can wear it whenever I have pain or am working out. Wooo! I'm looking forward to exercising again--I really think that my stopping is what made it so easy for me to be sick so much this winter.
I head back to MS next week for Christmas and to say goodbye to my brother for several years--so much travel for me lately--and when I return, I am going to focus on the following things:
*Cleaning my apartment!
*Scaling back the clutter!
*Exercising!
*Cleaning out my closet!
*Writing!
*Silly creative projects!
*Meditating!
You know, when I started writing this blog post, I was in kind of a funk-haze, but now that I am writing it out, I am finding myself getting actually EXCITED about the year to come. To getting back on my feet. To starting fresh! So much of this year has been about waiting--waiting to get better, waiting for C&K to leave, etc. But now, soon, the wait will be over and all bets will be off.
And then, I will be unstoppable.
The end of your post is quite apropos. One of the last sessions we had in our training was focused around "waiting." The priest who led the session has written over 1000 pages on the theology of "waiting." Waiting sounds like its a passive thing but really, when you set a goal, you are waiting to achieve it. You don't sit idly by; the time of "waiting" is actually the time you do everything you need to do to reach your goal. While it's not an easy thing to do at all, we should all remember to embrace the waiting part of life and see what it brings. We might be surprised by how much it is actually the "doing" part of life in disguise.
you are already unstoppable.