An Open Letter to a Large Number* of Male Stand-Up Comedians

Dear Male Stand-Up Comedians*,

I love you. I am on your side. I want you to succeed. But lately you've been really frustrating. I know, I know, you've been frustrated, too--I know, I've seen your stand-up routines. You are down on your luck, and as a stand-up, you feel it is your duty to make as much fun of yourself as you can in public, like somehow it will justify your misery. But I am here to tell you that there is an ever-growing list of things I never need to hear you talk about again in your routine:

*How homely you are.
*How much of a loser you are.
*How much you love to drink.
*How you might be an alcoholic.
*How poor you are.
*How horny you are.
*How much you love to have sex.
*Anything about ejaculate.

Yeah, sure, it is what is on your mind, so you want to talk about it. But also know that 3 other guys going up the same night as you are also going to be talking about the exact same thing, and it gets really old. And really, I just don't care. We all have been poor, we all have been horny, but we suck it up and deal with it. Also, when you come on stage feeling like a loser, you bring the audience down to your energy, and we all wallow in our self misery and unsatisfaction together. Sounds like a fun night, huh? Yeah, it's not, and in fact, I often get really tired and wish the show was over when this is your chosen performance method.

I, personally, would much prefer that you choose a smarter route. Find other things to muse about than sex. Sex is too easy. Be creative. Challenge us. Make us like you. Make us root for you. Have more confidence in yourself. Pick up the energy. And maybe, before getting up on stage, take a shower and put on a nice shirt.

I'm not asking you to change who you are as a person. I just want you to see how great you could be.

Your fan,

*This is not for ALL male stand-up comedians. Just a majority of them.