This week has sucked.
But I am feeling better today. I am less angry, less anxious, less weepy, less in pain, more cheery. It feels good. Tuesday I worked a bunch of stuff out at acupuncture and therapy, and that helped unload the burden, but it was a bitch. I was so stressed and in turmoil that my hips started throbbing nonstop. And it is weird, cause I've just wanted to hide from the world and not talk about anything. Normally, I'll tell anyone who wants to listen all of my business, but this time, I just couldn't. I couldn't emotionally, mentally, or physically. So, I apologize for all the crypticness and thanks for the support (as always.)
The most appealing thing in the world to me is to be somewhere where no one can find me and no one wants to talk to me about anything. I'd invite only one person, Fuzzy, into my little world bubble and cell phones and email would be banished. Now, in this daydream, we are either in the woods or on a tropical island that also happened to be a resort spa, so there would be massages and hot tubs, too. But those people who would administer the massages wouldn't be calling me or asking me questions.
What a wonderful dream.
I've been coming to terms with some things--how life is now, dealing with the loss of certain things and relationships. It is hard. How do you truly feel liberated and like you are capable of standing on your own 2 feet? I feel like I was close to that a few weeks ago, but then real life sunk back in. I think I have to start writing about what life was like while Mom was the pits of her illness. Losing Dad and watching him go was obviously hard, but it paled in comparison to how things were while mom was sick. That is the hardest thing I have ever had to deal with, and I PRAY that things won't get any worse than that. It will be a difficult journey, because I don't WANT to put myself back in those days--I don't want to relive it--but I feel like I have to, or it is just going to keep gunking up my brain. I lost a lot of myself in that time, and a lot of joy and I must try to build myself up as much as I can--even still. I must pull away and be my own woman and find my own joy, and the start of that is staring at the past, screaming at it for being so shitty, then embrace it and thank it for the experience and lessons it taught me. I might not be able to post the writings here on the blog, but we'll see.
I am looking forward to trying again. Good things are in the future.
xo
