No Really, It's Ok

I've been encountering an interesting phenomenon lately. I've been asked by a number of people what shows I'm working on, which is really very nice. It is a little awkward, but I politely tell them that I am currently not performing nor working on anything. I am often greeted with sad, confused, or sympathetic looks (or awkward pauses, if I am on the phone.) Then the next questions and comments come, like "Oh!" and "well, when are you?" or "Yeah, give her six months" or, on specific shows "why not? It's an easy night." Then I find myself defending my decision and justifying my choice to the questioning party.

It is flattering, I suppose, that people care, but really, when it comes down to it, why do people care? I hate taking the whiney road and saying that I am trying to deal with the events of the last few years, but that is my "I'm defensive" answer. Last night I think I put it the best when I said that I was "taking that time and energy to work on getting myself back, since over the last few years, I've lost so much of it." That answer was positively received.

It is hard enough dealing with myself in this decision. I previously had defined myself as being a comedian or a performer, and now that I am not active, what am I? Who will I be? Will people forget me? Will people leave me behind? But the truth is, I am the only person putting this pressure on myself. I know who I am--I am a person. A person with my own life and choices and burdens and joys. I'm a person who is following her heart and her guts. I'm not saying that I am leaving performing altogether--I sincerely hope that I am not--but you know what? If I am, that is ok. I am not putting any pressure or timeline on myself to do anything. And if that makes me a boring person to talk to at dinner parties, then so be it. It is better to be boring and happy than stressed out, busy and unhappy.

It shouldn't be so shocking after all...people switch careers all the time. And in this day and age, all bets are off anyways, right? Everything in society is different. For example, being unemployed doesn't carry the same stigma that it used to. Priorities have changed, and it is the choice of the individual as to how they choose to deal with it. And instead of questioning and challenging each others' choices, shouldn't we be supporting and encouraging them?

So instead of feeling ashamed or guilty that I am in this new phase of my life, instead I am proud of it. I have mourned the loss of that part of myself, and am embracing the new side of me. I am rebuilding myself so that I can be a better person for my family and friends and beloved husband, and most importantly, for me. It is pretty exciting.

Cause as RuPaul says, "If you don't love yourself, how the hell are you gonna love anybody else?"