The weather on Monday was in the mid 70s. It was amazing. I got a lot of work done, spent some time with my best friend, and had a super fun rehearsal with a group that I love playing with. I was so happy. Tuesday started with massive chest pains and a lump in my throat. Anxiety. Over nothing, really. I went to acupuncture, and left feeling a ton better. I had lunch with a friend, ran some errands, got an oil change, went home to work on things, went to dance rehearsal. Somewhere in there, something switched, and I got sad. I was also super hungry, which didn't help. When I got home, I was almost in tears. I have no idea why. As the night went on, it got worse. In working on a routine I was writing with Fuzzy, I was so embarrassed and shy, I hid under a blanket.* I tried to edit video, but made mistakes and felt stupid for not knowing how to do anything. I held myself back from moving forward on a couple of things. I felt stuck and hopeless. The negative thoughts were running rampant in my head, and I tried to hide from them, but fell asleep on the couch.
Today, I woke up feeling off. I'm getting a lot done today, including getting something off of my to do list that's been plaguing me for months. I take great pride on not being on a lot of social media, because I know that I can't handle the constant comparison to other people. But somehow, from twitter, I clicked on a link that sent me to someone's Facebook page that sent me down this weird stupid self-hate spiral. Which was out of nowhere and completely unneccessary. And it's exactly the opposite of the life that I try to live every day--I want to be my best self, and not compare myself to anyone or anything. And I feel like I am successful at that most of the time, but even I am not immune to the evil clutches of feeling left out or being jealous.
It just goes to show that every day is special, and that life is a roller coaster. It is ok to have good days and bad days, and it is ok to struggle sometimes. We are human. When we feel these darker moments, I think it is important that we notice and acknowledge them, be good to ourselves and not beat ourselves up for having them, and try to move forward and past them.
I am aware of my flaws and my demons. I am a work in progess. And you know what? I am pretty great--no comparisons needed.
*The routine turned out great and really cracks me up. I love working with Fuzzy, that just shows the stupid influence of depression or whatever. I've performed with Fuzzy a million times, and I think he is brilliant, but my brain stopped me from being ok. But Fuzzy is SO amazing and incredible--he perfected the routine, and then gave me a super wonderful pep talk to try to help. We perform tonight, so fingers crossed that it goes well!
