May 2010 Archives

So Fuzzy and I are plowing through 30 Rock right now (I know I know, I am late to it and I was all "I don't like it" for years, but it is really hilarious and wonderful and I love that so many people we know are on it and it is awesome) and after I posted yesterday about "Opposites Attract" we watched an episode where Tracy Jordan was supposed to host an awards show...and they mentioned MC Scatcat!

THEN!

Today at the grocery store, guess what song comes on over the loudspeaker.

OPPOSITES ATTRACT!!

This is freaky whoa!

This Saturday, I will be cheering on Fuzzy, Claire and Chip and Shaun as they participate in the Soldier Field 10, a 10 mile race that ends in Soldier Field. The race starts at 7:30 am, and I now see that there is an 8am 2 mile walk. Hmmm, anyone want to join me?

Go Runners Go! I am so proud of you all!

Everybody knows that one of the best parts of summer is driving in your car with the windows down and the sunroof open cranking your music really loud and singing at the top of your lungs.

It's especially fun when you are on a crowded 4 lane road like Ridge in Evanston and you get stopped at a light right next to another car who also has their windows down enjoying the summer.

And you are singing at the top of your lungs to "Opposites Attract" by Paula Abdul and MC Scatcat.

Yeah, you know you love it. Or should I say "YOU KNOW IT!"

So in my post earlier tonight, I said that I had no new updates. After I posted that, I did some more thinking, and on my way to class I had a realization.This whole time that I've been pulling back from doing shows, choreographing and producing, I've been having a hard time letting it go. I've not wanted to work on anything, but in the back of my head and heart I've been feeling like I've been letting myself down or that maybe it'll come back. That I didn't want to miss out on something or I didn't want to be left behind. Theatre/performing was my identity and my self and my person and how could I let that go? So tonight I was thinking about how I shouldn't have volunteered to do something for Apes*, cause that is just going to lock me down into it and I wonder what it would be like if I didn't go to Apes at all this season and what if I didn't even work on shows anymore at all?

What if I didn't even work on shows anymore? Or need to be a part of any shows? I could still see Fuzzy perform and my friends when they have shows, but I don't need to be a part of a run or have my own performance projects. I could just let it all go and have something else that is my passion instead.

This thought was exciting.

And then I knew that I am ok leaving the theatre world.

Wow. This is a huge step for me. Being ok with it. It feels good.

Tonight before class, I saw a friend of mine that works at the studio** and he asked where I had been and what shows I was working on. Poor guy, he had no idea he was about to open a can of worms. I told him that I didn't really want to do it anymore, that I've had so many things happen in the last several years that shows just aren't a priority and I've been in Chicago for 10 years working solid and that I've been performing since I was 4 and that as of today I realized I don't want to do it anymore and I am ok with that. He asked what I was going to do instead, and I said "I have no idea!"

I talked to my brother tonight, and he mentioned that it makes sense that this revelation is happening now. We've just sort of closed a major chapter of our lives with moving Mom and getting her where she needs to be. We've been tied up with so much sickness for 6 years, and now that things are looking up (they are in by no means over) we are able to process things, and we are therefore making major changes. Taking care of ourselves for the first time in ages. We talked about letting the past go, saying goodbye to our old selves and things, cause we are not our things, our things and pasts made us the awesome people that we are now! Comedy/Theatre/Dance/Choreography/Producing was good to me and having that in my life makes me strong and interesting and quirky. Also, I just had that 10 year anniversary of being in Chicago, and when I moved here, I said I was only going to live in Chicago for 10 years. Well, we aren't moving (and that is good), but I've done so many shows and worked with so many amazing people and have the most amazing friends because of it, and I have incredible memories--I really feel like I am done with it. I don't need anything else from it. So maybe my moving from Chicago is just a metaphorical move instead of a physical one. Goodbye Theatre and Comedy! I love you and we will always be friends, I just can't be a part of your life anymore.

How bout that? Pretty huge for me. I am now officially ready to move forward into the future. I am open to where my life takes me. I am ready for the next phase.

*I love all things Blewt! and the people and the shows. I will always be a collaborator, supporter and involved in Blewt in some way or another, I know that.
**I took his class a couple of times, but started taking hip hop*** instead, but now we talk every time we see each other. Super nice guy.
***My regular hip hop teacher was out tonight, and he had a sub. The teacher was awesome and the moves were hard hitting. It was great. Great Class. I love it.

No real updates here.

Doing better. Still really angry. Still wanna hit things. But day-to-day is better.

I'm going to dance class tonight for the first time in over a month. I'm going to 'leave it all on the floor.' I am excited to go, and happy that this excitement is the stronger feeling than my wear-pjs-and-lay-on-the-couch-all-night feeling.

Still thinking about what I want to do in my life. Not 'with' my life, cause my life is happening every second and I like that, but what I want to do next. Thought about it a lot today.

I love warm weather and cheesy music.

Special shout out to my beautiful friend Gena who got married on Sunday! She looked gorgeous, the wedding was so sweet, and the weather was perfect. Croquet on the lawn and BBQ on the porch? Perfection. I laughed a lot with some treasured friends (Hi Margaret! Hi Crescent!) and it was lovely. When someone finds true love, man, it just gets me! I am so lucky that I have Fuzzy.

Ok, time to stretch. Xo

I realized at lunch today that today is my TEN YEAR ANNIVERSARY OF LIVING IN CHICAGO!

WOW! 10 years!

Remarkable. What an amazing 10 years it has been.

Yesterday we participated in the 2nd annual Chicago Get Your Rear In Gear 5K to benefit the Colon Cancer Coalition. This year's race was in beautiful Oak Park, and the weather could not have been more perfect. We did a walk/run combo, and it was a lot of fun. Special props go to Johnny, Anne and Violet Knight who came out to cheer us on!

Super special thanks go to everyone who donated for the cause! Cancer can suck it.

Results here.
The essay I wrote about Dad is a featured story here.

Tim, Rebecca, me and Shannon post race. Lookin' good!

Team Gerdes!

At last year's event, this photo was taken:

So we decided to make it an annual thing:

Hi!
All I want to do is wallow on my couch for a little while. Like a week.

But yet, I am blogging, which is a very outward expression of innermost feelings.

SO WHICH IS IT?!

I think that I must belong on some other planet that is not Earth. Or maybe I need to live in the woods. Strike that, I am afraid of the woods at night. Maybe I need to go live on the beach. In Hawaii.

Now that mom is moved and the house is empty, I get to focus on me and my life and who I am what I want to do. ONE PROBLEM! I have no idea what that is and who I am. I know that I am going to start dancing again next week, and I really really want to start boxing (I have lots of anger and aggression, go figure) and get more tattoos and maybe a new haircut, but that isn't like my heart and soul, you know? It is just stuff to do. I can only hope that I find my heart and soul while I dance and box and get tattoos and haircuts.

My life has been all crisis prevention over the years that it is a weird adjustment out of it. My phone never stopped ringing for years and I hated it and every phone call was about dad's cancer or that mom was in the hospital again or a panicked call from mom asking us to help her. I've learned to shut off all of my emotions over the years so that I can get through each day and not go lie in a ditch. It might have made me a little cold hearted, but it is the only way that I could deal with having lost my dad and essentially my mom in such a short amount of time. I've learned how to be a parent taking care of sick children, only these children were my parents. I've been dealing with it on my own over the years, and now that mom is in a better environment for her to start taking better care of herself, and getting the care that she needs and essentially our work is done, I kind of just feel lost. What do I do now?

When I got home last night, Fuzzy was gone and the phone wasn't ringing and for a minute I didn't know what to do. I took a deep breath and focused on myself, and started unpacking some boxes. Downtime is good. Rest is good. Unpacking and cleaning is good. I know it will get better. I just have to train myself to let things be good again.

This trip and all my recent trips home have made me really see things differently. My relationship with things is a lot different. Sure, I want to go shopping along with everyone else, but why? I have everything I need, and my self worth is not caught up in how much stuff I own, or my collections. Also, as we age, our love of things changes, and it is a GOOD thing to purge the past from time to time. For example, I used to love my PEZ collection. It was a great source of pride for me, and I loved collecting and talking about it. Now, it just takes up space in my living room. So should I hang onto it just cause I used to collect? I dont think so. I can hang onto a couple of them, for memories, but even still, I don't need to do that. My parents were both packrats--stock piling gifts and things but never getting rid of anything. That house was packed, and they were only there about 12 years or so. EEK! It was bad. It felt good to purge that house, now it is time to do mine. The less stuff we have, the more free we are--isn't that what the Clooney character talked about in "Up in the Air"?

I'm also saying a lot of goodbyes to the past right now. I am sorting through Christophers and my entire elementary, Jr High and High school careers that were packed up in boxes. Some of it is emotional, but a lot of it is just junk bogging us down.

All of this overwhelms me, but I guess that is to be expected. I am walking this fine line between "Hey! We are all doing great! Mom is doing well in her new place that is directly associated with the care that she needs! The house is out of our hands! Time to get back to normal!" and "Wait a minute, this is really hard. I am pissed at how things have turned out and that mom is sick and I need time to process it and be angry and be sad and mourn and cry and take a freaking break from stress." The challenge is find the balance, I guess.

When I started writing this, I felt really off kilter and crazy, thus the title, but now that I am getting some of it out, I feel like I'm not actually crazy, but pretty right on.

Here is the newest endeavor from our resident creative genius Steve Gadlin:
I Want to Draw a Cat for You.

Get your Cat today!

Anyone want a giant autographed sign/ poster of Big Bad Voodoo Daddy? It is free to the taking if you come to my house and get it. Word.

I am slooowly starting to feel like a human again.

Last week raked me over the coals physically, mentally and emotionally. I've tried to sleep as much as I could the last 2 days, and today I look forward to getting some exercise. Food is still a challenge, but it is getting better. Another week of being a hermit, processing the week, and resting, and I should be back to normal!

I think I am going to sell my PEZ collection. Anyone want to buy it? It includes a hat and some T-shirts and maybe about 300 PEZ dispensers. Worth a couple hundred dollars. I will do more research later of the actual value, but I wanted to put it out there in case any readers were looking for an insta-collection or knew of anyone who was. Thanks!

Seriously.

I was so tired last night I forgot to say that this move and trip has gone mostly great. It is awesome that mom is in her new place, an it is adorable and she is a happy clam in there. I am so proud of all the work we've done, and I am so blessed to have gotten the help we did from family and friends. We found homes for all the animals, and God has answered many prayers.

Thank you all for your love and support!

What a week. We are so fried. But almost done. I wish I could say that ive never been so tired, but unfortunately I have. Many times.

I may or may not write more about this trip later, but my awesome sis-in-law sums it up here: www.waldiesworld.blogspot.com.

Something is happening this year. It's like all my favorite bands are coming out of hibernation.

First Soundgarden.
Now Dixie Chicks. And they are playing with The Eagles. At Soldier Field.

Ah!!

Also, Jethro Tull is playing Ravinia the next day.

What?!

Ah!!

We already have been to 2 shows at the Metro lately, and we have 2 more shows coming up in June (Kings of Convenience June 10 at Metro and Great Lake Swimmers June 12 at SPACE.)

I kind of feel like my Dad is going 'Here, have some concerts. You deserve them.'

Damn. I need a second job so I can afford to go to all these shows!

I'm obsessed. Seriously, all you women Chicago readers need to come with me some week. Don't take my word for it, read about it here, here, here and here.

It is seriously too much fun and a great freaking workout. I go Sundays at 4, but I'll be out the next 2 weeks cause of travel. See you there!