Hellooooooo.
What a confusing week this has been for me. There's a lot going on that I am trying to figure out, some with success and some with not much at all. I am finding that I have nothing positive to say about anything, and I really don't want to be a Debbie Downer, but that is how I am feeling. I kind of want to hide from the world and not come out till next year. I know that I am not bringing anything good to the world or a conversation right now, so therefore I will choose to take myself out of it for a little while. Here I was, all like 2008 is going to be great! And then, later in the year, I was like My "new year" starts now! I was also like, I can handle shows! I can be social! But the reality of the situation is 2008 has been a shitty hard year with lots of pain and struggle and caregiving and rocky steps and in hindsight, I know that I should have really held back on agreeing to do things. I don't regret any of the shows I am doing, but I can't really be responsible for them anymore. Or anyone. I can't be responsible for anyone but me. And my cats. So therefore, in 2009, I am going to HEAL. I am going to REST. I am going to clean out the house and get rid of the past. And the clutter. I am going to clean out the clutter in my brain. I am going to figure out who I am now.
I have been doing a lot of soul searching in my therapy sessions and on this blog and I have come to terms with the fact that I have developed this hard exterior that I greatly dislike. It is my panic mode-take control self that I had to develop when taking care of Dad (and bracing myself for a contstant stream of bad news for three and a half years) and this year taking care of Mom, and now it is almost always in effect, especially with my producing shows. I lose all social skills, can't have a conversation and just shut everything out except for the task at hand. I don't like that feeling. I have lost my fun. I have changed, and I need to like this person and work with her instead of denying and resenting her.
We all carry our histories with us on our backs. Everything in our past has made us the people that we are today. If you cut me open, you can count the rings of my years. On election night, a friend I was with, in response to my sobbing over Obama's beautiful speech, said "Oh, she is just caught up in the moment." No. It was so much more than the moment. It was the weight of the past and the weight of the future and the possibility that we can keep going and figure out a way to make it work when you have lost your hope in the power to do so. The overwhelming weight. The challenge before us. How disillusioned am I if the mere concept of surviving, moving forward, and having hope make me break down sobbing?
Again, in NO way am I implying that my problems are more important than anyone elses--but the struggles I have are mine and I am just trying to figure out how to work with them and come out a stronger person. The phoenix that rises from the ash. The beautiful glass that comes out of the flame. With every additional day, I am figuring out how to get there.
I talked to my brother a long time on Tuesday, and it was a comfort. I am not alone in my feelings and struggles, and hearing the same thing from him--a man that I admire, respect, who is one of my heroes in my life, and who EXACTLY knows what I am going through--calmed my insecurities. We'll get through it and move forward, no matter how much time or how much we have to struggle to get there.
And with that, I will be quiet the rest of the day.
